Motherhood...__________________________! (fill in the blank)

Motherhood...__________________________! (fill in the blank)

 Some women in this world are meant to have 3,4,5,6, heck, a dozen children and balance it VERY VERY well. One grandma of mine had five, my other grandma had three, my mom also had three.  SO, when I knew I wanted to have children, I thought two, maybe three would be just fine. BUT, after having my first, I sometimes question myself and say, "Why would I do this over again!?!" Some days I even wonder why I was meant to have a child if I have such little patience for the one I have been blessed with! God only gives us what we can handle right? Well, He sure had faith in me when he gave me CHARLIZE! My beautiful, healthy baby girl, who- (oh why not make a list!) 
- cried majority of the day for whatever reason I could never seem to figure out why
- would not allow you to put her down, she always had to be held.
- she would not sleep on her back and the minute you tried to put her on her back, she instantly woke up and screamed. 
-she didn't nurse very well and most times ended up pulling and tugging at me but not getting enough milk
-she wouldn't sleep in her crib
-she wouldn't sleep in her carseat. she actually hated her car seat and would SCREAM like she was dying whenever she was in it. 
-she woke up every hour if not on the hour throughout the day, leaving me with no time for rest. 
-I had to sleep with her on my belly because she wouldn't sleep otherwise
-I learned to wear her, wrapped in a cloth and tied around me just so I could get things done in the day and have a free hand or two. 
-I learned how to swaddle her, rock her, and using either the swing or bouncer seat with the vibration on, was I then able to get at least a consecutive 3-4 hours of sleep at a time. 
-I would put her to sleep, dead asleep in her bouncer, swaddled, and the minute I put her down, she would instantly wake up again, only for me to repeat the cycle of rocking her again. 
-I didn't go many places and was tethered to the house most days because she hated her car seat and fussed in public when I did go out.  
.....
Then...after 8-9 months, I saw my prayers were finally answered. Charlize started to sleep through the night, in her crib, (which took some weeks of coaxing) and eventually we switched to a forward facing carseat, and started eating more solids, etc.  I  finally made it through and was actually enjoying my motherhood experience!!!

NOW..we are into the toddler years (14 months and counting)!!!!!!!!!.  I jumped one hurdle only to hit another one that I can't get over.  It's the pre-terrible 2's.  The fussy, ALL day tantrums, the fake cries, the constant need for attention, running around, tearing up everything in sight phase!!!  You tell her "NO" and she fusses.  You give her food, she refuses, you take her out, she cries. Put her in the car- two minutes down the road, she screams.

I CAN"T WIN! Again, I say, HOW was I ever blessed with such a headstrong, hard kid??? She has spirit, spunk, charisma, personality, is HAPPY most of the time, and SMART as a whip, but man oh MAN is she a lot for me to handle!!  Most of my motherhood experience has been joyous, but its days like these past few (weeks too) that are just PURE exhaustion, I can't fathom having another, in fear of a repeat of #1 (with the list I just went through)

I have been finding small comforts lately in finding other mommies out there that have the same kind of baby I do.  In conversations and social circles, I find them and when I do, I sigh a small sigh of relief!!I'm not alone! In my moments of hardship with my own, I sometimes felt so alone, but now that I have managed to jump that hurdle, I find other mommies who also jumped that same hurdle with their kid.

 I sometimes get VERY VERY annoyed with those mom's that just have the "perfect baby". Their baby slept through the night at 2 months old, hardly cried, was an angel in the carseat, stroller, etc.  They were easy to take on long car trips because they would sleep, they were just...perfect! They were the ones that you would see fully rested, well kept, and always happy.  They would tell you all the time that they were "loving motherhood!" I wanted to strangle those moms because they didn't know half of the crap I was going through and probably would NEVER experience it! It would make me jealous and even more upset!

So, anyway...as I continue to write, I am losing track of my point.  ahh...Motherhood! It's not for the FAINT at HEART! Those mom's that have had the tough kiddos, my virtual "HI-5" to you! WE women are making it....one day at a time. I am surviving with some help of medicine (have to admit when you need that help), the occasional wine at night to calm the nerves, one activity that brings joy, and finding time to laugh!!!

Sometimes when my toddler throws her tantrums, her hissies, her fake cries, and the like, I find rather than beat it, join in.  Screaming right along  with her is crazy and funny!  Drowning her noise out with my own song and dance and stupidity usually helps me get through it, rather than waste the energy getting pissed off..and adding to my already graying hair!!!!!

. This job called Motherhood is DAMN exhausting! Too bad we don't get paid the big bucks for an honest hard days work!


 

Childcare vs Hungry baby

So this is a moment when it really hit me how much my life as a mother has changed.

After a hard week with Charlize getting into EVERYTHING in the house, I really was in desperate need of a break. I called the Child Development Center (CDC)provided on base and asked for a reservation for Thursday from 11:00am-4:00pm. I had a gift card from Christmas to JCPenney's and Victoria's Secret and all I wanted was a few hours to shop in peace, feel like a woman again, and then come back refreshed and ready to tackle my crazy toddler again!

So, when Thursday morning came, I was in a rather good mood. I got dressed up and was looking forward to a "me only" day. I got to the CDC a little later than expected because Charlize woke up late from a nap. When I arrive and drop her off to the Toddler room, I was told they just finished lunch. Charlize hadn't had much of anything before we left the house, a few sips of her milk from her sippy cup, but that was it. So, as I am talking to the childcare provider, she proceeds to tell me that the next time the kids will be fed with be at snack time, around 2:00pm. (at the time I looked at the clock it was 11:25am). Knowing my kiddo, I knew she wasn't going to last till then and she would definitely be hungry. I then told the childcare provider that I at least had two sippy cups of milk to leave for Charlize. As I begin to take them out of her diaper back, the childcare provider informs me that if Charlize's sippy cups have stoppers, they are not allowed. So, after more disheartening news, I stand there looking at my poor baby girl, who is now walking over to the carpet to go play with toys. So, the child care provider is telling me that Charlize already missed lunch, won't have a snack till 2 hours from then, and will be left without any milk because the sippy cups I provided had stoppers and were not allowed. If I left her there from 11:30am-about 4:00pm when I was done running my errands and shopping, my poor child would have gone HUNGRY?????

This is when I picked up my sweet baby and proceeded to the door, all the while explaining to the child care provider that I was not going to leave my child after all. The child care provider than says to me in such a condescending tone, "You have to leave her sometime mom!". I then, retorted with a not so polite tone, "That is not the point. I have left my child in other care before, but the point is that I am not about to leave my child for five hours to go hungry. She isn't allowed her own sippy cups of milk, she will not get any kind of food for another two hours, and you expect her to be good for the next five hours in that condition?"

With that retort, I took my baby girl and walked out the door. It was then I realized that I am truly a mommy. Like a mommy lion protecting her cub. If she is going to go hungry, then my baby girl is better off with me than in someone elses hands. She is my daughter and I will take care of her.

Now the day didn't turn out as great as I hoped for, but at least my baby girl wasn't hungry. She fussed in most of the stores I tugged her along to, she was tired, but fought the sleep, but all the while, she had a sippy cup full of ice water, and snacks at her disposal if she wanted. She got to eat lunch with me, and she spent time with her mommy.

Funny how much mom's sacrifice. I could have definitely used a few hours to myself, but to what satisfaction? I would have had a starved child, while I was out having "me" time. I am not a selfish mommy. So, oh well. Wasn't impressed with the child care and not sure I will use them for much again. Now I at least know lunch will be provided between 10:30-11:00am and snacks are at 2pm. The sippy cup issue is still silly to me, but I am not going to change Charlize's sippy cups just to appease the CDC.


The things a good mother does when she accepts the responsibility of being a MOMMY!





My wine down tonight: White Merlot by Beringer.

Whine down!

How do other mom's do it?? I mean, I spend a majority of my day cleaning up, feeding Charlize, watching her and pulling her from everything in sight now that she is walking and getting into everything and I barely have time to wash myself, brush my teeth in peace or even EAT! When she naps, its only an hour, so I end up picking and choosing what I need to do first. Most times that cleaning up the house from the mornings breakfast.  When she naps in the afternoon, I am making phone calls or checking on email real quick or getting that late lunch I never got earlier.  I always want to sit and do a bible reading, write in this blog I've started, or something else, but by the end of my day, I am so exhausted, all I want to do is veg out on my couch and do NOTHING.

I still haven't figured out how to balance everything.  I chose not to go to work because I much rather watch and raise my daughter.  I know she is benefiting from having me every day.  I don't mind that, but sometimes I wish I could work from home.  I barely get the chance to return an email or read a book before she is up again from her nap.  As I fastly type this now, I am listening to Charlize CRY her tantrum cry after having only slept 35 min MAX.  This mornings nap was maybe 45 minutes.  Most days I can't complain, she gets a good solid hour or maybe if I am lucky, an hour and a half.  BUT STILL! How do most moms do it? I am asking sincerely.  I have one and I am going mad! I have several friends with 2, 3, and 4 kids! So, is it just that maybe I am weak as a mom.  I think one more is all I can handle! I originally wanted 3 kids, being one of three myself, but now I am not so sure I can even handle the one I do have and she is 11 months.

I even hate to admit that I am a little envious of the friends I have, who's kids, for the most part, were "good" kids.  I had the colicky, non sleeping child, and dealt with that issue for the first 6 1/2 months.  Now that she is sleeping somewhat through the night, I still have issues with her fussiness.  She is very active and involved in everything.  I am just worn out with my one that I wonder if I was even meant to be a mom.

There is no wine with my "wine down" and unfortunately, its all just to whine!