Motherhood...__________________________! (fill in the blank)

Motherhood...__________________________! (fill in the blank)

 Some women in this world are meant to have 3,4,5,6, heck, a dozen children and balance it VERY VERY well. One grandma of mine had five, my other grandma had three, my mom also had three.  SO, when I knew I wanted to have children, I thought two, maybe three would be just fine. BUT, after having my first, I sometimes question myself and say, "Why would I do this over again!?!" Some days I even wonder why I was meant to have a child if I have such little patience for the one I have been blessed with! God only gives us what we can handle right? Well, He sure had faith in me when he gave me CHARLIZE! My beautiful, healthy baby girl, who- (oh why not make a list!) 
- cried majority of the day for whatever reason I could never seem to figure out why
- would not allow you to put her down, she always had to be held.
- she would not sleep on her back and the minute you tried to put her on her back, she instantly woke up and screamed. 
-she didn't nurse very well and most times ended up pulling and tugging at me but not getting enough milk
-she wouldn't sleep in her crib
-she wouldn't sleep in her carseat. she actually hated her car seat and would SCREAM like she was dying whenever she was in it. 
-she woke up every hour if not on the hour throughout the day, leaving me with no time for rest. 
-I had to sleep with her on my belly because she wouldn't sleep otherwise
-I learned to wear her, wrapped in a cloth and tied around me just so I could get things done in the day and have a free hand or two. 
-I learned how to swaddle her, rock her, and using either the swing or bouncer seat with the vibration on, was I then able to get at least a consecutive 3-4 hours of sleep at a time. 
-I would put her to sleep, dead asleep in her bouncer, swaddled, and the minute I put her down, she would instantly wake up again, only for me to repeat the cycle of rocking her again. 
-I didn't go many places and was tethered to the house most days because she hated her car seat and fussed in public when I did go out.  
.....
Then...after 8-9 months, I saw my prayers were finally answered. Charlize started to sleep through the night, in her crib, (which took some weeks of coaxing) and eventually we switched to a forward facing carseat, and started eating more solids, etc.  I  finally made it through and was actually enjoying my motherhood experience!!!

NOW..we are into the toddler years (14 months and counting)!!!!!!!!!.  I jumped one hurdle only to hit another one that I can't get over.  It's the pre-terrible 2's.  The fussy, ALL day tantrums, the fake cries, the constant need for attention, running around, tearing up everything in sight phase!!!  You tell her "NO" and she fusses.  You give her food, she refuses, you take her out, she cries. Put her in the car- two minutes down the road, she screams.

I CAN"T WIN! Again, I say, HOW was I ever blessed with such a headstrong, hard kid??? She has spirit, spunk, charisma, personality, is HAPPY most of the time, and SMART as a whip, but man oh MAN is she a lot for me to handle!!  Most of my motherhood experience has been joyous, but its days like these past few (weeks too) that are just PURE exhaustion, I can't fathom having another, in fear of a repeat of #1 (with the list I just went through)

I have been finding small comforts lately in finding other mommies out there that have the same kind of baby I do.  In conversations and social circles, I find them and when I do, I sigh a small sigh of relief!!I'm not alone! In my moments of hardship with my own, I sometimes felt so alone, but now that I have managed to jump that hurdle, I find other mommies who also jumped that same hurdle with their kid.

 I sometimes get VERY VERY annoyed with those mom's that just have the "perfect baby". Their baby slept through the night at 2 months old, hardly cried, was an angel in the carseat, stroller, etc.  They were easy to take on long car trips because they would sleep, they were just...perfect! They were the ones that you would see fully rested, well kept, and always happy.  They would tell you all the time that they were "loving motherhood!" I wanted to strangle those moms because they didn't know half of the crap I was going through and probably would NEVER experience it! It would make me jealous and even more upset!

So, anyway...as I continue to write, I am losing track of my point.  ahh...Motherhood! It's not for the FAINT at HEART! Those mom's that have had the tough kiddos, my virtual "HI-5" to you! WE women are making it....one day at a time. I am surviving with some help of medicine (have to admit when you need that help), the occasional wine at night to calm the nerves, one activity that brings joy, and finding time to laugh!!!

Sometimes when my toddler throws her tantrums, her hissies, her fake cries, and the like, I find rather than beat it, join in.  Screaming right along  with her is crazy and funny!  Drowning her noise out with my own song and dance and stupidity usually helps me get through it, rather than waste the energy getting pissed off..and adding to my already graying hair!!!!!

. This job called Motherhood is DAMN exhausting! Too bad we don't get paid the big bucks for an honest hard days work!


 

Childcare vs Hungry baby

So this is a moment when it really hit me how much my life as a mother has changed.

After a hard week with Charlize getting into EVERYTHING in the house, I really was in desperate need of a break. I called the Child Development Center (CDC)provided on base and asked for a reservation for Thursday from 11:00am-4:00pm. I had a gift card from Christmas to JCPenney's and Victoria's Secret and all I wanted was a few hours to shop in peace, feel like a woman again, and then come back refreshed and ready to tackle my crazy toddler again!

So, when Thursday morning came, I was in a rather good mood. I got dressed up and was looking forward to a "me only" day. I got to the CDC a little later than expected because Charlize woke up late from a nap. When I arrive and drop her off to the Toddler room, I was told they just finished lunch. Charlize hadn't had much of anything before we left the house, a few sips of her milk from her sippy cup, but that was it. So, as I am talking to the childcare provider, she proceeds to tell me that the next time the kids will be fed with be at snack time, around 2:00pm. (at the time I looked at the clock it was 11:25am). Knowing my kiddo, I knew she wasn't going to last till then and she would definitely be hungry. I then told the childcare provider that I at least had two sippy cups of milk to leave for Charlize. As I begin to take them out of her diaper back, the childcare provider informs me that if Charlize's sippy cups have stoppers, they are not allowed. So, after more disheartening news, I stand there looking at my poor baby girl, who is now walking over to the carpet to go play with toys. So, the child care provider is telling me that Charlize already missed lunch, won't have a snack till 2 hours from then, and will be left without any milk because the sippy cups I provided had stoppers and were not allowed. If I left her there from 11:30am-about 4:00pm when I was done running my errands and shopping, my poor child would have gone HUNGRY?????

This is when I picked up my sweet baby and proceeded to the door, all the while explaining to the child care provider that I was not going to leave my child after all. The child care provider than says to me in such a condescending tone, "You have to leave her sometime mom!". I then, retorted with a not so polite tone, "That is not the point. I have left my child in other care before, but the point is that I am not about to leave my child for five hours to go hungry. She isn't allowed her own sippy cups of milk, she will not get any kind of food for another two hours, and you expect her to be good for the next five hours in that condition?"

With that retort, I took my baby girl and walked out the door. It was then I realized that I am truly a mommy. Like a mommy lion protecting her cub. If she is going to go hungry, then my baby girl is better off with me than in someone elses hands. She is my daughter and I will take care of her.

Now the day didn't turn out as great as I hoped for, but at least my baby girl wasn't hungry. She fussed in most of the stores I tugged her along to, she was tired, but fought the sleep, but all the while, she had a sippy cup full of ice water, and snacks at her disposal if she wanted. She got to eat lunch with me, and she spent time with her mommy.

Funny how much mom's sacrifice. I could have definitely used a few hours to myself, but to what satisfaction? I would have had a starved child, while I was out having "me" time. I am not a selfish mommy. So, oh well. Wasn't impressed with the child care and not sure I will use them for much again. Now I at least know lunch will be provided between 10:30-11:00am and snacks are at 2pm. The sippy cup issue is still silly to me, but I am not going to change Charlize's sippy cups just to appease the CDC.


The things a good mother does when she accepts the responsibility of being a MOMMY!





My wine down tonight: White Merlot by Beringer.

The Firsts!

New Years Eve, December 31st, 2009 at 9:00pm, topped all other celebrations I ever did ringing in a new year. I remember sitting on my couch as big as a house, pregnant at 39 weeks. I got up to use the bathroom and suddenly my water broke. A rush of excitement from two very shocked, very soon to be new parents, rush to get dressed, pack our bags, and drive 25 miles to the hospital. After welcoming a new year from my hospital bed and spending the night on into the morning with uncomfortable contractions, New Years Day, January 1st, 2010, Charlize Esmeralda Kruger, was born at 10:06am. She weighted 7 lbs, 0 oz, and was 20 inches long.

A whole year of wonders and woes and plenty of "first experiences" had come and gone and before I knew it, Charlize was turning ONE! I, being the proud mother that I am, will from here on out continue to celebrate the New Year with a Birthday party for my baby girl. And her very first was definitely an important milestone to celebrate!

So, the week prior, I searched online, got ideas from artsy crafty moms, and began to plan Charlize's very FIRST birthday party in style. How fitting it was to celebrate Charlize's FIRST birthday on a day dated with all ones. January 1st, 2011! Charlize was 1 on 1/1/11! I bought glue, cardstock, popcicle sticks, and ribbon and began to get crafty. I made a pink and brown banner with the letters spelling Happy Birthday. I made cupcake toppers, 24 with her cute little face and 24 with the number 1 in various pink and girlie backgrounds. I bought a signature frame to put her picture to have all our friends to sign it. I gathered pictures from Charlize's birth through all her 11 months of life and put them on a sandisk. I used a digital frame to have it scroll through all her photos so everyone could see her growth in 12 months. I rented out a room in an indoor playground establishment and invited some of my closest friends and their kids to come and play and eat and share in the celebration. With all of the crafts I was making that week, I ended up buying ( the 48 in all)vanilla with pink frosted and chocolate with chocolate frosted cupcakes. Food was provided for the kids and the adults got snacks. I spend some nights, after both Chris and Charlize were in bed, sacrificing sleep so that I could cut and paste pictures onto popsicle sticks, and then tie bows on all 48 of the cupcake toppers.

I didn't mind it because it was all for my baby girl. Sure, she's turning one and won't remember a bit of that day, but it was for a celebration for mommy and daddy too. Years down the road, our baby girl will see how much she was loved, through pictures of that very day's celebration.

The day went great, despite the rainy, cold weather and tornado watch, Enterprise, Alabama was having on New Years Day! Everyone that was in town and could make it, did come to help celebrate Charlize's birthday and at the end of it all I was pretty happy with my baby girls FIRST birthday. As with most toddlers, they wore themselves out, playing on the indoor jungle gym. About half an hour after Charlize blew out her first birthday candle, it was time to pack up and head home for naps. After a much needed nap for Charlize, mommy, and daddy, it was time to open her presents. (To think, Charlize will have the best presents every year. She will get to open presents for Christmas and then a week later, get to open presents for her Birthday!)

My friends gave were the sweetest, giving Charlize so many toys. After opening all of her presents that evening, the living room was poring over with toys from wall to wall.

I sat back at the end of the night and had to smile. I did it. Chris and I did it; Charlize, Chris and I did it. We all survived a year, raising a new life in this world. She turned out to be the smartest, most beautiful baby girl I could have ever asked for. Despite all the troubles with the "firsts", I truly have enjoyed being a mom and I really enjoyed throwing Charlize her first birthday party.

I look forward to every New Years now, for two reasons. It is a time to welcome a fresh New Year and a time to celebrate another year older with a beautiful, healthy baby girl.

Cheers to all the firsts! Now to begin more first experiences with my first; potty training, disciplining, teaching reading and writing skills etc. I will never forget the "firsts"

My hard road into motherhood

As I look at the calendar and get excited about the upcoming year, I think back to the 2010 year I've had.
After my first year into motherhood, I think I could describe my experience as a time of "blood, sweat, and lots of tears, yet many smiles, laughters, and cheers"  If anyone was to ask me what I expected in my first child, I definitely couldn't have predicted my baby girl. It hasn't all been bad, but I have to say it has been the one of the hardest years of my life!!!

I've been through some hellish few months, questioning my motherhood abilities, battling some emotions of jealousy and anger, transitioning from working woman to stay at home mom, visiting doctors and psychologists, and even starting anti-depressant medication. I make it sound horrible, but really its just what it is. I have been blessed with a BEAUTIFUL, smart, healthy baby girl. Yet, at times I didn't feel blessed. I struggled with Charlize's "colicky" months. She never slept except on me or if I was carrying her or wearing her EVERYWHERE. She hated her car seat and screamed bloody murder when in it, couldn't sleep in her crib for the first 8 months, and for several months I was sleep deprived waking every other hour. I admit there were moments I thought I could seriously hurt her because she cried ALL the time. I struggled with the transition from working to being at home ALL the time with a baby. I became envious of friends who had babies that slept through the night after 2 months, liked their car seats enough to go places in them and sleep in them. I was jealous that they had babies that slept in their crib, and overall had "easier' babies than me (from what I thought). I made my walk-in-closet my "happy place" and would just cry for several minutes of the day asking God, "WHY did I get the child I got, where is the blessing?!" Chris and I fought all the time and because of Charlize's sleeplessness, Chris lacked the sleep for work. We almost divorced back in July due to the stress, the name calling, constant arguments, either related or non related to our child. Some things that I still "record" in my head, bother me, but I have to continue to tell myself that it won't always be this way.  

I know everyone has their "seasons" and things do get better. It's hard to believe that in about two weeks Charlize will be ONE YEAR OLD!! She has been sleeping through the night in her crib for the last 2 months now! She has been walking since Thanksgiving! It still surprises me to look at my daughter, as she now walks from room to room, smiling, laughing, and babbling to me in her own language, that this little person came from me.

 Chris and I have gone to counseling with our pastor at church and are working on communication and some other issues in our marriage. We still have some issues to work through, but that's marriage.   I saw a psychologist a few times over the last two month to just talk through some things going on with me. I also admit now I have some postpartum depression, so I am taking medication for it.. I make it a point to get out and be a part of mommy groups, church things, and other activities to keep busy and get out of the house every day. I hired a babysitter who is great with Charlize and Chris and I try to get out on dates when we can.

I have to also thanks some of my biggest supporters for sending their hugs and encouraging words through phone calls, emails, and the occasional outings to reassure me that I was not alone! Without their encouragement and love, I probably wouldn't have much sanity left.  

Within these last few months I started reading a book that helped put into prospective all of the emotions I was feeling as a woman, a first time mom, a wife, etc. It went along perfectly with the weekly group Bible Study I was doing as well.   From Patsy Clairmont book, "I second that Emotion-Untangling Our Zany Feelings" I copied so many quotes, Bible verses, and sayings to commit to memory. The last chapter of the book expressed well what I think I am trying to convey through all of my first year experiences into motherhood.
Scriptures to Ponder with this:  Jeremiah 29: 4-14.  Jerusalem had been invaded and some of its inhabitants taken into captivity in Babylon.  Others remained behind only to be deported later. From Jerusalem, Jeremiah wrote a letter to those already living in Babylon. In the letter, we see a strategy for dealing with life's problems.
1. God knows where we are (v.4)
Life is full of situations we wish we didn't have to experience.  Even though we don't know what the future holds, we have a God who does know. 
2. The problem isn't a destination (vv.5-6) In the midst of the problems, life goes on.  . We can't pull down the shades and have a month-long pity party. Though it may seem like it, the situation is temporary in light of eternity. 
3.  You have something to do (vv. 7-9).  Your most powerful witness might come from the midst of the storm.  Keep your eyes on God.  Don't fall for the wisdom of this world.  Keep pointing people to him even when you don't know what's next.  


"Our problems in life serve to help us strengthen our roots so that we can be strong against future storms and we can become shelter for those who run to us for help."  Least I can do now, is be of help to future first time mothers and be their support, like others were to me.  I went through a lot of hardships, but its just the beginning.  


So here is to a new year with my ONE YEAR OLD!!!