My hard road into motherhood

As I look at the calendar and get excited about the upcoming year, I think back to the 2010 year I've had.
After my first year into motherhood, I think I could describe my experience as a time of "blood, sweat, and lots of tears, yet many smiles, laughters, and cheers"  If anyone was to ask me what I expected in my first child, I definitely couldn't have predicted my baby girl. It hasn't all been bad, but I have to say it has been the one of the hardest years of my life!!!

I've been through some hellish few months, questioning my motherhood abilities, battling some emotions of jealousy and anger, transitioning from working woman to stay at home mom, visiting doctors and psychologists, and even starting anti-depressant medication. I make it sound horrible, but really its just what it is. I have been blessed with a BEAUTIFUL, smart, healthy baby girl. Yet, at times I didn't feel blessed. I struggled with Charlize's "colicky" months. She never slept except on me or if I was carrying her or wearing her EVERYWHERE. She hated her car seat and screamed bloody murder when in it, couldn't sleep in her crib for the first 8 months, and for several months I was sleep deprived waking every other hour. I admit there were moments I thought I could seriously hurt her because she cried ALL the time. I struggled with the transition from working to being at home ALL the time with a baby. I became envious of friends who had babies that slept through the night after 2 months, liked their car seats enough to go places in them and sleep in them. I was jealous that they had babies that slept in their crib, and overall had "easier' babies than me (from what I thought). I made my walk-in-closet my "happy place" and would just cry for several minutes of the day asking God, "WHY did I get the child I got, where is the blessing?!" Chris and I fought all the time and because of Charlize's sleeplessness, Chris lacked the sleep for work. We almost divorced back in July due to the stress, the name calling, constant arguments, either related or non related to our child. Some things that I still "record" in my head, bother me, but I have to continue to tell myself that it won't always be this way.  

I know everyone has their "seasons" and things do get better. It's hard to believe that in about two weeks Charlize will be ONE YEAR OLD!! She has been sleeping through the night in her crib for the last 2 months now! She has been walking since Thanksgiving! It still surprises me to look at my daughter, as she now walks from room to room, smiling, laughing, and babbling to me in her own language, that this little person came from me.

 Chris and I have gone to counseling with our pastor at church and are working on communication and some other issues in our marriage. We still have some issues to work through, but that's marriage.   I saw a psychologist a few times over the last two month to just talk through some things going on with me. I also admit now I have some postpartum depression, so I am taking medication for it.. I make it a point to get out and be a part of mommy groups, church things, and other activities to keep busy and get out of the house every day. I hired a babysitter who is great with Charlize and Chris and I try to get out on dates when we can.

I have to also thanks some of my biggest supporters for sending their hugs and encouraging words through phone calls, emails, and the occasional outings to reassure me that I was not alone! Without their encouragement and love, I probably wouldn't have much sanity left.  

Within these last few months I started reading a book that helped put into prospective all of the emotions I was feeling as a woman, a first time mom, a wife, etc. It went along perfectly with the weekly group Bible Study I was doing as well.   From Patsy Clairmont book, "I second that Emotion-Untangling Our Zany Feelings" I copied so many quotes, Bible verses, and sayings to commit to memory. The last chapter of the book expressed well what I think I am trying to convey through all of my first year experiences into motherhood.
Scriptures to Ponder with this:  Jeremiah 29: 4-14.  Jerusalem had been invaded and some of its inhabitants taken into captivity in Babylon.  Others remained behind only to be deported later. From Jerusalem, Jeremiah wrote a letter to those already living in Babylon. In the letter, we see a strategy for dealing with life's problems.
1. God knows where we are (v.4)
Life is full of situations we wish we didn't have to experience.  Even though we don't know what the future holds, we have a God who does know. 
2. The problem isn't a destination (vv.5-6) In the midst of the problems, life goes on.  . We can't pull down the shades and have a month-long pity party. Though it may seem like it, the situation is temporary in light of eternity. 
3.  You have something to do (vv. 7-9).  Your most powerful witness might come from the midst of the storm.  Keep your eyes on God.  Don't fall for the wisdom of this world.  Keep pointing people to him even when you don't know what's next.  


"Our problems in life serve to help us strengthen our roots so that we can be strong against future storms and we can become shelter for those who run to us for help."  Least I can do now, is be of help to future first time mothers and be their support, like others were to me.  I went through a lot of hardships, but its just the beginning.  


So here is to a new year with my ONE YEAR OLD!!!

Military Life

I have been in military all of my life.  I grew up seeing uniforms of every color and every branch from Army, Navy, and Air Force.  Grandpas on both sides serving Army and Navy, and then my own Dad served the Air Force.  Not to mention the slew of uncles, aunts, cousins, and friends who later joined one branch of service or another.  So, growing up I saw the lifestyle my mom led, being an officer's wife, most days raising three kids solo.  I grew up thinking, "I'll never marry military!" As the old saying goes, "Never say never"  I dated some military and ended up marrying a military man.  So I was destined to go from military 'brat' to military wife.

I hold so much pride for all of our service men and women, especially my own husband, that I rather enjoy the lifestyle.  So, after my husband went from Infantry to Aviation, I was even more proud of my husband for  training to become a helicopter pilot.  He no longer would be jumping out of aircrafts, but rather flying an aircraft. So learning aviation lingo and other things in the aviation unit of the Army has been rather exciting, yet exhausting.  The pilot Hubby is going through training of his own, while I am going through training of being a first time mom, going solo! It takes a strong woman to be a military wife!  I can't say it enough.

On any number of  trips through Ft.Rucker base, I pass by Lowe Airfield where the Blackhawks are grounded.  It didn't have much significance to me until the hubby found out he would be flying Blackhawks.  Now as I pass by the Lowe Airfield, I have to smile, looking at the line of Blackhawks. I can say, "Yes, my husband flies those."  It fills me with so much pride and joy knowing he is training to fly these aircrafts.  It also makes me realize how much a family sacrifices for a pilot in training.  I know my soldier sacrificed a lot with three tours to Iraq and one with a 15 month length, but now my pilot sacrifices a lot just training and studying his aircraft to become a pilot.  The family sacrifices more long absences and long training months.

I will always be proud of my husband for his dedication and service, once on the ground, and now in the air.  But, I must always be strong for both of us.  It's not easy being married to military.  I got a text from a friend today about a Oh-58D (Kiowa) helicopter crash that happened last night, killing the Instructor Pilot and injuring the student pilot.  It got me thinking about how dangerous the life of a military soldier really is.  It doesn't matter if he is on the ground or in the air.  No place is really "safe".  As much as I don't want to think about it, I must think about the "what if's" and be prepared if God forbid something happens to my soldier. Every family member married or related to military will always have that in the back of their mind when that loved one straps on his gear and heads out on a mission or places that helmet on his head and steps into that helicopter.  Helicopter Crash

It amazes me how strong mentally and physically my husband is after 10 years in the military.  The good Lord has kept him safe through 3 deployments and so far while he flies in the air for training.  Every thing he does poses a danger to himself, but its the life and the job.  I sit here tonight thinking about the families of the two pilots that were in that Kiowa yesterday night.  One family is without their husband and father of a 4 and 2 year old this Christmas.  Another family sits beside their pilot in the hospital, praying for a safe recovery from his injuries.  No one will understand more than a military family member what sacrifices they all make to serve this great nation.

I love my pilot, but even more so, after hearing the tragic crash yesterday night, I must remember to pray to God to keep a hedge of protection over my husband every time he steps into a Blackhawk helicopter.  I wouldn't trade my life of a military wife.  I just have more strength than I ever thought I would.

Whine down!

How do other mom's do it?? I mean, I spend a majority of my day cleaning up, feeding Charlize, watching her and pulling her from everything in sight now that she is walking and getting into everything and I barely have time to wash myself, brush my teeth in peace or even EAT! When she naps, its only an hour, so I end up picking and choosing what I need to do first. Most times that cleaning up the house from the mornings breakfast.  When she naps in the afternoon, I am making phone calls or checking on email real quick or getting that late lunch I never got earlier.  I always want to sit and do a bible reading, write in this blog I've started, or something else, but by the end of my day, I am so exhausted, all I want to do is veg out on my couch and do NOTHING.

I still haven't figured out how to balance everything.  I chose not to go to work because I much rather watch and raise my daughter.  I know she is benefiting from having me every day.  I don't mind that, but sometimes I wish I could work from home.  I barely get the chance to return an email or read a book before she is up again from her nap.  As I fastly type this now, I am listening to Charlize CRY her tantrum cry after having only slept 35 min MAX.  This mornings nap was maybe 45 minutes.  Most days I can't complain, she gets a good solid hour or maybe if I am lucky, an hour and a half.  BUT STILL! How do most moms do it? I am asking sincerely.  I have one and I am going mad! I have several friends with 2, 3, and 4 kids! So, is it just that maybe I am weak as a mom.  I think one more is all I can handle! I originally wanted 3 kids, being one of three myself, but now I am not so sure I can even handle the one I do have and she is 11 months.

I even hate to admit that I am a little envious of the friends I have, who's kids, for the most part, were "good" kids.  I had the colicky, non sleeping child, and dealt with that issue for the first 6 1/2 months.  Now that she is sleeping somewhat through the night, I still have issues with her fussiness.  She is very active and involved in everything.  I am just worn out with my one that I wonder if I was even meant to be a mom.

There is no wine with my "wine down" and unfortunately, its all just to whine!