Motherhood...__________________________! (fill in the blank)

Motherhood...__________________________! (fill in the blank)

 Some women in this world are meant to have 3,4,5,6, heck, a dozen children and balance it VERY VERY well. One grandma of mine had five, my other grandma had three, my mom also had three.  SO, when I knew I wanted to have children, I thought two, maybe three would be just fine. BUT, after having my first, I sometimes question myself and say, "Why would I do this over again!?!" Some days I even wonder why I was meant to have a child if I have such little patience for the one I have been blessed with! God only gives us what we can handle right? Well, He sure had faith in me when he gave me CHARLIZE! My beautiful, healthy baby girl, who- (oh why not make a list!) 
- cried majority of the day for whatever reason I could never seem to figure out why
- would not allow you to put her down, she always had to be held.
- she would not sleep on her back and the minute you tried to put her on her back, she instantly woke up and screamed. 
-she didn't nurse very well and most times ended up pulling and tugging at me but not getting enough milk
-she wouldn't sleep in her crib
-she wouldn't sleep in her carseat. she actually hated her car seat and would SCREAM like she was dying whenever she was in it. 
-she woke up every hour if not on the hour throughout the day, leaving me with no time for rest. 
-I had to sleep with her on my belly because she wouldn't sleep otherwise
-I learned to wear her, wrapped in a cloth and tied around me just so I could get things done in the day and have a free hand or two. 
-I learned how to swaddle her, rock her, and using either the swing or bouncer seat with the vibration on, was I then able to get at least a consecutive 3-4 hours of sleep at a time. 
-I would put her to sleep, dead asleep in her bouncer, swaddled, and the minute I put her down, she would instantly wake up again, only for me to repeat the cycle of rocking her again. 
-I didn't go many places and was tethered to the house most days because she hated her car seat and fussed in public when I did go out.  
.....
Then...after 8-9 months, I saw my prayers were finally answered. Charlize started to sleep through the night, in her crib, (which took some weeks of coaxing) and eventually we switched to a forward facing carseat, and started eating more solids, etc.  I  finally made it through and was actually enjoying my motherhood experience!!!

NOW..we are into the toddler years (14 months and counting)!!!!!!!!!.  I jumped one hurdle only to hit another one that I can't get over.  It's the pre-terrible 2's.  The fussy, ALL day tantrums, the fake cries, the constant need for attention, running around, tearing up everything in sight phase!!!  You tell her "NO" and she fusses.  You give her food, she refuses, you take her out, she cries. Put her in the car- two minutes down the road, she screams.

I CAN"T WIN! Again, I say, HOW was I ever blessed with such a headstrong, hard kid??? She has spirit, spunk, charisma, personality, is HAPPY most of the time, and SMART as a whip, but man oh MAN is she a lot for me to handle!!  Most of my motherhood experience has been joyous, but its days like these past few (weeks too) that are just PURE exhaustion, I can't fathom having another, in fear of a repeat of #1 (with the list I just went through)

I have been finding small comforts lately in finding other mommies out there that have the same kind of baby I do.  In conversations and social circles, I find them and when I do, I sigh a small sigh of relief!!I'm not alone! In my moments of hardship with my own, I sometimes felt so alone, but now that I have managed to jump that hurdle, I find other mommies who also jumped that same hurdle with their kid.

 I sometimes get VERY VERY annoyed with those mom's that just have the "perfect baby". Their baby slept through the night at 2 months old, hardly cried, was an angel in the carseat, stroller, etc.  They were easy to take on long car trips because they would sleep, they were just...perfect! They were the ones that you would see fully rested, well kept, and always happy.  They would tell you all the time that they were "loving motherhood!" I wanted to strangle those moms because they didn't know half of the crap I was going through and probably would NEVER experience it! It would make me jealous and even more upset!

So, anyway...as I continue to write, I am losing track of my point.  ahh...Motherhood! It's not for the FAINT at HEART! Those mom's that have had the tough kiddos, my virtual "HI-5" to you! WE women are making it....one day at a time. I am surviving with some help of medicine (have to admit when you need that help), the occasional wine at night to calm the nerves, one activity that brings joy, and finding time to laugh!!!

Sometimes when my toddler throws her tantrums, her hissies, her fake cries, and the like, I find rather than beat it, join in.  Screaming right along  with her is crazy and funny!  Drowning her noise out with my own song and dance and stupidity usually helps me get through it, rather than waste the energy getting pissed off..and adding to my already graying hair!!!!!

. This job called Motherhood is DAMN exhausting! Too bad we don't get paid the big bucks for an honest hard days work!


 

The first time feelings of becoming a parent

As I talk to my friends who are expecting their first child, I see in their eyes the excitement, joy, and anxiousness on becoming a parent.  I laugh now because I remember when I had those same feelings over a year ago.  Knowing what I know now and what I've been through in my short 14 months of parenthood,  I find it cute how excited these first time mommies are about having a baby.  Not to spoil their excitement, a part of me resists telling them the "not so wonderful moments" that this job entails.  I just make sure to tell them the more memorable moments from my experiences as a mom. With  my own excitement and anxiousness then,  I never thought I would go through some of the things I went through with my first born child.  I went straight through the "fire" and barely came out alive and with quite a few burns!!  I just hope and pray my next go around with #2 will be so different and less "maintenance", I'll feel like SUPER MOM because I already had the worst of the worst times with #1!  Don't misunderstand that I don't love my first born baby girl, but it was definitely not an easy tunnel to go through! I am envious of those that had that easy first baby.  They are the few that were blessed enough to have those easy babies and go on  to have a dozen more just the same as the first! Phfff...must be nice!! 

So, looking at my friends as they ever so sweetly rub their baby bumps and anticipate the arrival of their new bundle of joy, I smile and silently pray for them that God grant them the child that only they can handle.  God must have thought me to be stronger that I even thought myself to be because I got the baby with a powerful set of lungs (best for screaming/crying for hours) and relentless to all things including SLEEP! At least now when #2 does comes along, I have a "bag of tricks, tips, and trades" to handle most situations. For the things I can't handle...well....thats why the Lord created WINE and a prayer! LOL.  Joking..........a little!

All joking aside, I am looking forward to having more children, and  I know I will again have that same feeling of excitement and anxiousness and overwhelming joy of carrying another baby.  I will just have a better idea of  whats to come the second time around, rather than going unknowingly onto the battlefield called: Parenthood, unarmed!

Why ask why ramblings

As a child, you remember asking the "why" questions, most times not understanding the answers, yet continuing to ask "why" just because? You would think as you grow into adulthood, the questions starting with "why" would be followed by answers you really do seek to understand! Unfortunately, the answers to most of our "why" questions don't get answered.  I torture myself continually seeking the answer(s) to my "why" questions, but inside I know sometimes there is no answer or it is not something I'm meant to understand. (Only the Lord understands why I am here, why I am going down this road/path in my life, why I am married to the man that I am married to,  why I have a child who is so hyperactive and difficult, why I am a stay at home mom when my heart desired more, why am I the way that I am)........etc.,etc.,etc.

 I have a list of "why" questions that rack my brain daily and unfortunately it is half the cause of my unrest at night. My mind is always on "why" questions in my life. It isn't healthy I know.  I just get in those frustrated moments, like right now, and I just want to look God in the face and ask, "WHY...?"  It's not for me to seek the "why" but to "trust" and have "faith" in the Lord.  HE knows why, and he doesn't have to tell me.  He doesn't have to consult me in His plan(s) and I am definitely not to demand answers.  But, I am human, like every person written in the good Book.  I get frustrated, I want to ask " why"just like Moses, "why am I doing this? Why am I here, at this place, doing this very thing" ;or ask the question that Eve (jokingly speaking) probably asked God about Adam a time or two, "WHY, LORD, DID YOU PUT ME WITH THIS MAN??"

As I write this entry, I am told (my voice I'm hearing, yet I know its God speaking) that it is not for me to know. I am frustrated, tired, exhausted, asking "why", but again, its not for me to seek the answers! It is sooooo hard for us, especially in this day and age, to want things right away.  We are in the world of technology.  It has increased our level of impatience over the years. The Internet gives us answers to any question we may have in a matter of minutes.   I want to know the answers to my "WHY"?s sooner rather than later.  AND, sometimes in God's plans, its years and years before you ever get that answer you seek.

So, if any of this made sense, my biggest WHY question that has spurred all this rambling is the very question: "WHY, LORD, DID YOU PUT ME WITH THIS MAN?"  Frustration in the man I married really does get me wondering as to why HE (God) put two stubborn, hard headed, strong willed people together to marry and live our lives!  So much frustration in these last few years of marriage has me asking that question a lot!  I don't know if half of it is because there is a lot of stress in his job and mine (his job being Army and learning to fly a million dollar piece of metal and my job being Mother to a busy body toddler), or are we really compatible? We are coming up on five years of marriage and I can say that it has been some of my toughest years!!Why, yet again, are we fighting over..."X,Y,Z" issues? I don't know.  God does though. So, it is best I let this rest rather than keep me up.

Why, oh, why do we even bother to ask "why"?

And where he goes I'll follow....

Sing with me: 

"Love him, I love him, I love him

And where he goes I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow

I will follow him, follow him wherever he may go

There isn't an ocean too deep

A mountain so high it can keep me away....."

Little Peggy March had it right.  But I don't think she knew the life of a military wife.  A military wife will follow him; follow him wherever he may go, or at least where Army tells him to go.  "There are many oceans too deep, and mountains filled with terrorists that keep...keep me away from him."  


When I said "I do" to a sweet, handsome, 27 year old man, on a hot July, 8, 2006, I  said, "I do" to the Army as well.  Being married to military is not easy. I knew that even when I said "yes" to the question a poor soldier home for 2 weeks R&R from his second deployment to Iraq, asked me on May 5, 2005!  I have endured a lot most marriages don't encounter in a lifetime.  Does that make my marriage better or stronger?  Pfff, No! So why do I do it? Because, like Peggy March said in her song, "I love him"


I have found it hard, being a military brat,  to move from state to state, following my father's Air Force duty stations.  I vowed then as a child, I would NEVER NEVER NEVER do what my mother and grandmothers had to do being married to military.  Apparently, I didn't run too far. I instantly was attracted by the uniform and the sexy man dressed in it.  So, here I am yet again, this time as an adult, packing my belongings and following my husband wherever the Army takes us.  


From Ft.Bragg, NC, a cute little couple with a baby on the way, watched as their belongings were packed away, to soon meet again in a few weeks to be unloaded in their new home.  Upon arrival into Ft.Rucker, AL, not knowing a soul, we managed.  We started our family with a little bundle of joy born on New Years Day, January 2011.  And its been here where we've been going through flight school. ( I do believe that when my Aviator finally graduates from flight school, they should have a separate wing pinning ceremony for the wives!)


Now after almost 2 years of the husbands grueling flight school, and the light at the end of the tunnel being only three months away, we finally received news yesterday evening where the Army will be sending us next. With a small say in the matter of which choice our number 1 post would be, we anxiously awaited to hear whether we were granted that or whether we would have to settle for the number 2 choice . Our number 3 choice (in my mind) was NOT an option! 


The Kruger family is headed to Ft.Campbell, Kentucky! Now, my joy isn't necessarily for Kentucky, but it was the better choice of the three.  When I dreamed of places to live, I never thought it would be places like Alabama and Kentucky. Growing up, I lived in Kansas and Missouri, with a small portion of my youth in Los Angeles, California. After my Dad's "retirement" (sounds better than being "riffed" from the Air Force) we relocated permanently to Ft.Bragg/Fayetteville,  North Carolina.  So, my only exciting moments of travel to speak of are when I was in college. I was blessed enough to live and study  in London, England for a semester. I toured other countries while living there, so at least I did have that in my travel diaries. But,  I don't think with my Soldier, now turned Aviator, we will be doing much overseas hopping with the Army's expense.  The only "trip" he will be taking will be another deployment and thats one trip, where family is not allowed to go on, nor would I want to.  


So, as I prepare for the next duty station, I have some excitements and some fears.  I am excited to start fresh and new in a new place.  I am excited to meet new people and explore the area and see the sites. I am excited to decorate our new "home" whether it be on or off post housing.  The fear comes in the bigger things. I fear travelling with a toddler in tow and 2 cats.  My pilot will inevitably be due to deploy in the next few months after we arrive, leaving me with me with a full household in a city with no family.  My fears are more than I let on, but I know its the fear of the unknown too that will eventually go away. 


There is a lot to prepare, a lot to think about, but I am ready!  I'm mentally preparing for the deployment. I am mentally preparing for the new changes.  But, being a military brat hasn't made me an expert.  It's just made me strong enough to accept change.  Now, I just wonder how my baby girl will take change.  


I will follow him....follow him wherever he may go....packing all of my things in bubble wrap, cardboard boxes, and lots of tape....why?? Because - "I love him, I love and where he goes I'll follow, I'll follow..."