After my first year into motherhood, I think I could describe my experience as a time of "blood, sweat, and lots of tears, yet many smiles, laughters, and cheers" If anyone was to ask me what I expected in my first child, I definitely couldn't have predicted my baby girl. It hasn't all been bad, but I have to say it has been the one of the hardest years of my life!!!
I've been through some hellish few months, questioning my motherhood abilities, battling some emotions of jealousy and anger, transitioning from working woman to stay at home mom, visiting doctors and psychologists, and even starting anti-depressant medication. I make it sound horrible, but really its just what it is. I have been blessed with a BEAUTIFUL, smart, healthy baby girl. Yet, at times I didn't feel blessed. I struggled with Charlize's "colicky" months. She never slept except on me or if I was carrying her or wearing her EVERYWHERE. She hated her car seat and screamed bloody murder when in it, couldn't sleep in her crib for the first 8 months, and for several months I was sleep deprived waking every other hour. I admit there were moments I thought I could seriously hurt her because she cried ALL the time. I struggled with the transition from working to being at home ALL the time with a baby. I became envious of friends who had babies that slept through the night after 2 months, liked their car seats enough to go places in them and sleep in them. I was jealous that they had babies that slept in their crib, and overall had "easier' babies than me (from what I thought). I made my walk-in-closet my "happy place" and would just cry for several minutes of the day asking God, "WHY did I get the child I got, where is the blessing?!" Chris and I fought all the time and because of Charlize's sleeplessness, Chris lacked the sleep for work. We almost divorced back in July due to the stress, the name calling, constant arguments, either related or non related to our child. Some things that I still "record" in my head, bother me, but I have to continue to tell myself that it won't always be this way.
I know everyone has their "seasons" and things do get better. It's hard to believe that in about two weeks Charlize will be ONE YEAR OLD!! She has been sleeping through the night in her crib for the last 2 months now! She has been walking since Thanksgiving! It still surprises me to look at my daughter, as she now walks from room to room, smiling, laughing, and babbling to me in her own language, that this little person came from me.
Chris and I have gone to counseling with our pastor at church and are working on communication and some other issues in our marriage. We still have some issues to work through, but that's marriage. I saw a psychologist a few times over the last two month to just talk through some things going on with me. I also admit now I have some postpartum depression, so I am taking medication for it.. I make it a point to get out and be a part of mommy groups, church things, and other activities to keep busy and get out of the house every day. I hired a babysitter who is great with Charlize and Chris and I try to get out on dates when we can.
I have to also thanks some of my biggest supporters for sending their hugs and encouraging words through phone calls, emails, and the occasional outings to reassure me that I was not alone! Without their encouragement and love, I probably wouldn't have much sanity left.
Within these last few months I started reading a book that helped put into prospective all of the emotions I was feeling as a woman, a first time mom, a wife, etc. It went along perfectly with the weekly group Bible Study I was doing as well. From Patsy Clairmont book, "I second that Emotion-Untangling Our Zany Feelings" I copied so many quotes, Bible verses, and sayings to commit to memory. The last chapter of the book expressed well what I think I am trying to convey through all of my first year experiences into motherhood.
Scriptures to Ponder with this: Jeremiah 29: 4-14. Jerusalem had been invaded and some of its inhabitants taken into captivity in Babylon. Others remained behind only to be deported later. From Jerusalem, Jeremiah wrote a letter to those already living in Babylon. In the letter, we see a strategy for dealing with life's problems.
1. God knows where we are (v.4)
Life is full of situations we wish we didn't have to experience. Even though we don't know what the future holds, we have a God who does know.
2. The problem isn't a destination (vv.5-6) In the midst of the problems, life goes on. . We can't pull down the shades and have a month-long pity party. Though it may seem like it, the situation is temporary in light of eternity.
3. You have something to do (vv. 7-9). Your most powerful witness might come from the midst of the storm. Keep your eyes on God. Don't fall for the wisdom of this world. Keep pointing people to him even when you don't know what's next.
"Our problems in life serve to help us strengthen our roots so that we can be strong against future storms and we can become shelter for those who run to us for help." Least I can do now, is be of help to future first time mothers and be their support, like others were to me. I went through a lot of hardships, but its just the beginning.
So here is to a new year with my ONE YEAR OLD!!!
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